A Tribute to Wine

I thank Wine, for guiding me through some of my darkest hours, and tasting as if it were the nectar of Gods. Whenever I was anxious, butthurt, more sore than a hooker on her payday, or angrier than a mosquito trapped in a mannequin factory, Jesus Juice was there for me. It has calmed my nerves and warmed my deadened soul on more than a few occasions—especially during 2016: the year humankind has truly been tested. 

How do women who do not consume this liquid happiness do the Mom thing? Momming is not the easiest or the most predictable job in the world. It takes patience and perseverance, on top of an enormous amount of love for small human timebombs full of doo-doo. I remember many times I found turds in an unacceptable location. For instance: in a toy fishbowl, in the laundry basket, in the dryer, in the middle of their bedroom, or smeared on walls. Wine, after clean-up, was my savior. I poured some Sanity Syrup into a glass, or drank it right out of the bottle. Just once I sucked Wine right out of a sippy cup when I was too tired to wash another dish. It never judged or objected. Instead, it soothed me, and basically told me I was pretty and that I should have a Mom accolade named after me. I could no longer smell excrement, or feel much disappointment by the end of the first few sips.  

Oh, and when my 4 and 5 year old cut their own hair a few months back, making themselves look like Courtney Love after a 12 day bender? "That's ok," Wine told me, "I'm here, pour me down your gullet." And then I did. "No Ragrets", as the kids are saying nowadays. I laughed about the incident later, while consuming some of Mommy's Medicine. 

Let's not pretend the 2016 primaries or election have been a basket of puppies with bow ties, either. For every time Donald Trump complimented a dictator, or the daily occurrences of Hillary Clinton pretended she was a cute and caring grandma instead of the Cryptkeeper—I turned to Wine. Remember when Trump trolls tried to convince us that Trump would pick a great SCOTUS, even after all that talk about "opening up libel laws"? I could giggle, because I had a red blend by my side, to turn a 'why are you like this?' moment into a 'bless your heart' moment. I shifted from outright insults to much more passive ones. When Hillary called a large percentage of Americans "deplorables", I enthusiastically sipped my pinot noir and shook my head calmly. My cellphone sighed with relief, as I refrained from chucking it into a wall. 

For every policy suggested by Trump resembling an Obama one (ahem, mandatory paid maternity leave), Wine coaxed me back to a better mental state. And for every time Hillary has skirted the law, the Tolerance Juice has swaddled me in antioxidants and taste bud excitement, numbing my urge to throw a toddler-style tantrum.  

Wine even offers physical health benefits in moderation—especially red wine. What a dream come true! Doctors say that it increases one's level of HDL cholesterol (dubbed "good" cholesterol), fighting heart disease. I don't know about anyone else, but that makes me "heart" it even more. See what I did there?  

Okay yeah, sorry about that last pun. 

And how about that resveratrol? It's another ingredient Wine offers and it has proven to boost heart health in an array of different mammals. Though, research has not been conducted on the effects of it on the human body. Let me be the first to volunteer for this future project, if it involves devouring man's finest creation aside from the wheel or the nail. Also, I'll do it for free. Because I care. You are welcome, fellow humans.  

No matter your taste in food, there's a wine for that. It is so versatile. Furthermore, it is the only thing that I can think of that actually makes pizza taste even better. It somehow makes freaking pizza taste more satisfying. That is beyond the call of a dinner beverage, and it is absolutely mind-boggling.  

Wine comes from some of the most beautiful places on earth, including Italy, France, and gorgeous places in the hills here in the United States. It's no wonder it tastes so divine. It makes perfect sense that it isn't just my Liquid Psychiatrist—it is also the friend who celebrates every accomplishment and important event in my life with me. Birthdays, promotions, new adventures, anniversaries, date nights out sans children, and that five minutes when all the laundry in the house is complete: I reflect on the day with Celebration Sauce.  

Even everyday boring tasks seem to be less so, when I have Wine by my side. Whether I'm cooking dinner, making a grocery list, or straightening up the house after a long day, it makes those tasks seem less tedious.  

Wine is a delectable alternative to hating everyone, all the time, forever and ever. It gives me something to look forward to at the end of the day, and eases any physical or mental pain I am experiencing. Thank you, Wine, I couldn't get through 2016 without you. You the real MVP.